What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 23:04
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
This is soul school!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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Would this be the day?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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She found it foreign!.
She wouldn,t have been !
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Comes on , in middle age.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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She married twice! .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We were not on the streets..
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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My family never makes their pension either.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
What does it feel like when a guy cums in your ass?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was scared of men, in general
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I couldn’t, believe it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Why is it difficult to get a job?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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Especially a lifetime of it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I said to her
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
What did i know ?
But it wasn’t much.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I waited trembling.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was very sick at this time too.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I never cut or harmed myself..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Put me off passion for life!!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was 9 years of age.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I think the readers, may guess!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So whats the point in blame.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
All the time i was locked up.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
It was going to be , some day.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I write beautiful poetry .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She loved him until the end.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She was in good health!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was seconnd youngest,
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My life is so biszare .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
(And it was in our own minds.)
One cannot live in the past .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I will be 64.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Ive learnt so much.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But, we were locked up after school.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He knew the spot.
Who then, do I blame.?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I have no regrets .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We all went to grammer schools
But ive been too sick for many years..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I don,t even have a pension.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And i lived it daily.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
When she asked me how she looked .
Im still living with it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So, i spoilt her more .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Was to survive, this bastard.